An elderly married couple had just settled into  bed when the old man let out a loud fart and declared: “Seven points!”

His wife, confused, rolled over and asked, “What was that all about?”

The old man grinned and replied, “It’s fart football.”

Not wanting to be left out, a few minutes later the wife let one rip and proudly announced: “Touchdown, tie game!”

After a short pause, the old man fired off another and boasted, “Aha, 14 to 7! I’m winning.”

Determined to keep up, the wife let loose with another big one, saying: “Touchdown, tie game again.”

Then, with a little squeaker, she added, “Field goal! I’m in the lead, 17 to 14.”

Now feeling the pressure, the old man couldn’t stand the thought of losing. Determined not to be defeated, he pushed with all his might—but gave a little too much effort. To his horror, he accidentally pooped in the bed.

His wife, shocked, asked: “What on earth just happened?”

The old man sighed and said: “Half time—time to switch sides.”

BONUS JOKE:

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” She calls their father immediately. “You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, “Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.